Wings to Fly

     If you have kids and have been in touch with the outside world then you no doubt have seen the saying in some form explaining that the two lasting gifts we give our children are roots and wings. A little plaque was given to me almost 25 years ago with that saying on it but honestly I had no idea what it meant. After sitting in a drawer for about half that time, I stumbled onto the plaque and it started to become clearer. The way I saw it was that we give our children the value of family and of home and then when the time is right, they leave that home holding tight to those family roots that we gave them.

     The roots part is pretty self-explanatory, however, the wings part isn’t. Those of us in the "helicopter parenting" age group know that some well meaning experts told us (or that is how we interpreted it) that we needed to live every moment for our children, shield them from every hurt physically and mentally, and hover over them and meet all of their needs. What they should have told us is that from the moment they are born we need to show by example the value of roots. As they grow they need to be trained to be independent and use their wings every day for that one day when they fly the nest. Hovering over them hampers the flight process. This I have learned. 

     The other thing the experts should have told us is instead of hovering, we can use our own wings to fly.

     My mom was not here to guide my roots and wings process. Her death while I was six months pregnant for my first child left me devastated and on my own to “wing” it. Fortunately for me, her roots were deep and solid and held me up while I worked at figuring it all out.  My husband’s roots were deep as well. It worked out but I don’t think I fully understood what the wings meant until my first born graduated from high school and went to college. I dreaded the day. I dreaded the day the next one graduated, and the next and the next. Being home with the children for 20 years, every activity I was involved in concerned them. It was all about them. I felt closer to my mom being a mom myself. My children became my career and I loved parenting them and showing them the value of leadership and integrity through scouts, church, sports and other activities. They have shown us time and time again how much they value what we have taught them.

     The experts didn’t tell us, though, how to live our lives when the children grew up and left.

     A surprising thing happens when our children become adults. We see ourselves. Sometimes the grief we experience when they leave for college and beyond is not so much saying goodbye to them but saying goodbye to our own youth. We must say hello to who we have become. Our mortality stares us in the face and taps us on the shoulders. It makes us stand back and take a long look. Saying goodbye to them allows us to say hello to ourselves.

     After a long look, I said hello.

     Immersed for 20 years in being a mother I cast aside any ideas of my own ambitions and dreams. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but I learned I had credits at Manchester Community College still sitting there ready to be used that I abandoned so long ago. I had gone back to work part time seven years ago for the town so that helped gain some confidence that I still had a brain and writing for a local paper helped as well. But how could I go back to college after 33 years? It was scary but strangely intriguing. Ignoring it didn't work. Something kept tapping me on the shoulder. My youngest was soon to be 18. The nest was thinning out. I was going to turn 55. Life was changing. Time to start something. Time to finish what I started.

     I took the step in the fall of 2012 and haven’t looked back. Three more classes this fall and I will have an Associate’s degree in Communications, the one that took 33 years to complete. The thrill and contentment felt going back to college is hard to explain. It surprised me. Then another surprise happened. An Associate’s Degree isn’t enough. Eastern (ECSU) is the next step on the ladder to reach a life long ambition to earn a Bachelor’s Degree.

     My son has been fairly local but three daughters chose to attend college a distance away and as far as I know do not have plans to return to this area. I couldn’t be more proud of them, and myself. I wondered how I would handle not one of my daughters nearby. Frankly, I don’t think any of us would have grown this much if they were within a short drive. It’s hard to see them go far, yes, but the benefits are truly amazing. They are capable and independent. I worry still, but that's what moms do.

I have accepted they are grown up.

     The nest really is not empty. We have filled it with our dreams and ambitions and the pride for a job well done raising four citizens. My husband was laid off four months ago from his job after 26 years. Instead of wallowing in Eeyore fashion, he is networking and finding out what he is made of. I guess he has some surprises inside of him too.

     Returning to college has renewed me. What seemed almost like the end of the line turned out a beginning with exciting opportunities. I am writing more, creating more and just living more relaxed. My husband and I are getting to know one another all over again and making retirement plans to buy a motor home and travel the country. There is an entire network across the country of retirees in motor homes traveling, sight seeing, performing service and gathering in fellowship. The possibilities are endless. In the meantime, I am using my wings and they are taking me places.

     A funny thing happens when your children use their wings. You find your own wings too. 

     Wings to fly.